"Hate is a strong word... but I really really really don't like you!" Fabulous lyrics from a fabulous one hit wonder (well.. at least I think they are... I do live in a time warp known as North Carolina). But in any event. On with the show.
Dearest Faith and Phoebe,
Over the last year or so, you have seen mommy lose her mind and become a banshee. I have spewed guilt on you like the best Jewish or Catholic mother would (if only I were Jewish, or Catholic). I have screamed, I have spanked, I have ignored, I have grounded, I have taken things away, and I have (when I am in control of my faculties) just left the room to breathe from the never-ending disrespect of me, your father, and your home.
I truly do not know what to do anymore. I hear so many conflicting ideas, and I just don't know what to do, so I just do my best. Yes, I hate me sometimes. I hate when I lose it, and yell. I hate when I spank you. I always feel like a huge asshole (yes I can say that, you are reading this as an older person, so stop judging). I hate that I don't know what to do at times, and so I just walk away and ignore you.
There are times my lovelies that I feel like I am the worst mother alive, and others when I feel like I am he best. Most of the time I am worried about how I am screwing up, and what you will say to your therapist when you are 29 and unable to understand why you inhereted an unstoppable temper. I have for the most part learned to quell my temper, and know when to walk away with adults, but 5 year olds are a whole different monster.
For example, tonight, Faith, you were using your sisters brand new scarf as a jump rope. I looked right at you and said, "That is not a jump rope, that is a scarf, please stop it." You said, "Okay mommy" and immediately used it like a jump rope again, right in front of me. WTF?!?!!?!?!?!? Blatant disrespect. What do I do about that? Spank you? Yell? Tell you I am disappointed? Ignore it? Say nothing and simply sit you down and leave the room? What???
I don't expect either of you to understand what I do for this family, and how much I need you to pick up after yourself because I just don't have the energy to do it for you.... because you are children, and five years old. Alas, this is my dilemma, and if you have 5 year olds right now, I hope my mother's curse worked and you can show me how YOU handle it, because I just don't know.
I love you both dearly, and I cannot imagine life without you. You are the reason I work hard. You are the reason I get us all involved in charity work. You are my reason for reas----oh hun (Matchbox 20).
My darlings, if you get nothing else from this rant, get this: I am not perfect, but I am doing my best with what I can, and I love you. I hope that I do not permanently scar you, or screw you up too terribly. Know that you will always have a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen when your kids do this to you... just like your Grandma Hope is to me.
PS... I am really liking the Hold the penny to the wall with your nose" punishment your Uncle Rob came up with.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Mom
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