Divorce Costs
In more ways than one...
Back in March, my marriage, as I knew it ended. Not by anyone else's choosing but my own. If you're scrolling for juicy details on why marriages implode, you're in the wrong place. What you will find is the harsh truth of what happens when you make that choice...
#1 My Children's peace of mind
As a mother, it's in my DNA to protect my children from being hurt. So, when it was me that caused their pain, you can imagine how hard if a pill that was to swallow. They looked at me with different eyes. It was like a dagger through the heart. For, what child can grasp the idea that staying married when there was nothing but resentment and hostility, would cause them more harm in the long run? They can't. So, I deal with that until they are older, more experienced, and wiser. But, one of my children has already expressed disdain for marriage and swears she'll never get married. I've altered their view through my choices. They suffer sadness every day.
#2 My Friends
Friends abandon you. Even those you thought were your nearest and dearest. Apparently divorce means you're required to tell your friends every graphic detail that led to your divorce, or you're considered a liar. If you are faced with this type of friend, let me offer some advice... Forget about them. They are interested for the sake of gossip, and they aren't your real friends. Your life is yours to live and lead, and not for public consumption. You will most likely lose a great deal of friends when going through a divorce. Let them go. If they don't accept you for who you are and if they harbor judgement against you, if they listen to gossip and rumors, if they discuss you amongst themselves, roiling into a shark feeding frenzy, you need to let them go. They serve no purpose in your life now. And let's face it... If you're going through a divorce, do you really need other people's problems at the same time? No. Find better friends.
#3 My Ability to Trust
Nothing can prepare you for the backstabbing betrayal of trust. When it happens, and from someone you'd least expect, it's almost deadly in pain. You go through every negative emotion in the human spectrum. Going forward from that moment, paranoia takes over. The idea that everyone is out to get you... See the previous section. If you're so-called friends can't give you the time to sort through those feelings, drop them. Divorce is all)consuming. The mud slinging, manipulating, and general disregard for the rules of war are enough to turn even Mother Teresa into a cynic.
What it GAVE to me
#1 Self Assurance and Confidence
Probably the most unlikely benefit from the divorce process was a sense of self assurance. I didn't crumble. I didn't lay down and die. I didn't fail at surviving on my own. I got an apartment, holding a job, bought a car, and took care of my kids. I broke my cycle of co-dependency. I learned that I like my own company. I learned I don't need a man to complete me, validate me, or help me in any way. My new relationship is on my terms. Subject to my feelings, and I'm there because I want to be, not out of necessity. I always needed a saviour before. Now, I'm my own saviour. RAWR. GRRRL POWER.
#2 Experience.
I now understand divorce from an adult perspective, not just a child's. My parent's divorce was traumatic, but was necessary. And I hold no ill will toward anyone involved. I also have the opportunity to be a better friend to those in similar circumstances, and not pass judgement. Divorce is also humbling to those who sit atop a high horse of "I'm an infallible human of perfect morality". I know this because I was once that way.
#3 Love
I know new love on a whole different level. Because I love me. So I can truly allow someone to love me, and I, in turn, them. It will be equal. I appreciate the love of my kids and family that much more. I understand the difference between obsession, lust, co-dependency, and true honest love.
#4 A Second chance
I have a second chance to build the life I deserve and have always wanted, without the drag of a broken person holding me back. I no longer have to be the man and the woman. I no longer have to be the sole provider. I provide because I want to. I can chase dreams without the negative Nancy in the corner. I can be the mother I want to be to my children. I can finally be happy, without having to carry those who want to live in misery.
So you see, Divorce has cost me a lot, but it has also given me so much more. I hope that if you've stumbled on this blog, and are going through a divorce, you understand that with all of the bullshit you're going through... You will come out of it okay, if not better than you were before.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
5 Things Every Newly Single Mom Should Know
5 Things a newly single mom should know...
#1 You can survive.
never let your personal fears or self doubt cloud your path. Never lived on your own? Not sure you can support yourself let alone your kids? Yes you can. And I cannot express how much you need to believe that. Belief begets action. Action in accordance with your beliefs begets success. I had never lived alone. Never thought I could. But guess what? I did it, and I'm still doing it.
#2 You Will Go through several emotions in minutes.
When you feel like a crazy person because you were crying, then you begin feeling angry, then panic and even 2 seconds of peace before spiraling back into sadness... It's normal. You're completely changing everything you've ever known to be true, routine, and comfortable. It's bound to wreak havoc in your mind. So give yourself a break, okay?
#3 Be Comfortable with living Outside your comfort zone.
Nothing will be the same. Embrace it. The sooner you do, the less pain and panic. You won't see the same people you used to. You won't go the same places. You won't see your kids every day. And the person you were with will become a stranger to you. Life is totally different now.
#4 You will lose friends and family
Inlaws aren't in your orbit any longer. And honestly, they shouldn't be. Everyone needs time to adjust and heal, especially if you're in the separation stage. Imagine how awkward it feels to them too, and give them space. Mutual friends will feel divided and some will choose sides. The best thing you can do, is not take it personally. People will come in and out of your life. Take this as a sign and blessing that they've run their course and you've learned what you were supposed to learn from them.
#5 CHANGE IS GOOD
Contrary to what your gut says, and how scary everything may seem...
From rent, to dating, to sleeping alone, you are officially taking care of yourself. You will surprise yourself every day with just how badass you are. Embrace the newly single you. And tell yourself you love yourself every day.
Divorces are ugly, painful, scary, traumatic, and expensive. BUT, they are temporary in duration, and the sooner you make peace with the above 5 Things... The sooner life becomes easier. A very wise man once told me, "You can't choose your battles, you can only choose how to react to them".
I'm currently 3 months into my separation, and as terrified as I may have been in the beginning, I'm getting more comfortable with my situation every day. Things that almost scared me into staying, I've crushed. I've blasted through the fear. I chose to take the high road. I chose to never sit and feel sorry for myself amidst the legal battles. I choose to live and show my daughter's that they only need to rely on themselves to make it in this world. YOU CAN TOO.
Follow me on Twitter @LisaKingslayer
Friend me on Facebook www.Facebook.com/Lisa.kingslayer
#1 You can survive.
never let your personal fears or self doubt cloud your path. Never lived on your own? Not sure you can support yourself let alone your kids? Yes you can. And I cannot express how much you need to believe that. Belief begets action. Action in accordance with your beliefs begets success. I had never lived alone. Never thought I could. But guess what? I did it, and I'm still doing it.
#2 You Will Go through several emotions in minutes.
When you feel like a crazy person because you were crying, then you begin feeling angry, then panic and even 2 seconds of peace before spiraling back into sadness... It's normal. You're completely changing everything you've ever known to be true, routine, and comfortable. It's bound to wreak havoc in your mind. So give yourself a break, okay?
#3 Be Comfortable with living Outside your comfort zone.
Nothing will be the same. Embrace it. The sooner you do, the less pain and panic. You won't see the same people you used to. You won't go the same places. You won't see your kids every day. And the person you were with will become a stranger to you. Life is totally different now.
#4 You will lose friends and family
Inlaws aren't in your orbit any longer. And honestly, they shouldn't be. Everyone needs time to adjust and heal, especially if you're in the separation stage. Imagine how awkward it feels to them too, and give them space. Mutual friends will feel divided and some will choose sides. The best thing you can do, is not take it personally. People will come in and out of your life. Take this as a sign and blessing that they've run their course and you've learned what you were supposed to learn from them.
#5 CHANGE IS GOOD
Contrary to what your gut says, and how scary everything may seem...
From rent, to dating, to sleeping alone, you are officially taking care of yourself. You will surprise yourself every day with just how badass you are. Embrace the newly single you. And tell yourself you love yourself every day.
Divorces are ugly, painful, scary, traumatic, and expensive. BUT, they are temporary in duration, and the sooner you make peace with the above 5 Things... The sooner life becomes easier. A very wise man once told me, "You can't choose your battles, you can only choose how to react to them".
I'm currently 3 months into my separation, and as terrified as I may have been in the beginning, I'm getting more comfortable with my situation every day. Things that almost scared me into staying, I've crushed. I've blasted through the fear. I chose to take the high road. I chose to never sit and feel sorry for myself amidst the legal battles. I choose to live and show my daughter's that they only need to rely on themselves to make it in this world. YOU CAN TOO.
Follow me on Twitter @LisaKingslayer
Friend me on Facebook www.Facebook.com/Lisa.kingslayer
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Separation and Divorce- A Journey
Sunday, February 1, 2015 I made a decision that will change my life forever. I asked for a divorce from my husband of 10 years. He and I have been together since December of 1999. I confessed my like for him via AOL instant messenger at midnight Y2k on my eMachine desktop computer while my abusive (now ex) slept in the other room. I remember that like it was yesterday. So why the hell would I ask for a divorce? There is no simple answer to that. One thing I will say is that we just aren't in the same place, and we haven't been for a long time. So here is where I'm going to try to work out how I feel, and what happens during this whole seemingly insurmountable task of separation and divorce.
When we started our relationship back in January 2000, I was with a man who beat me on a daily basis. Charles Spencer May Jr. I will never forget that name nor that face. It's etched into my brain as "NEVER AGAIN". I was impregnated by him, aborted the pregnancy, and took a beating every day thereafter in retaliation. I was 16 when I started dating Charles, and he had lied about his age. I found out that he was 11 years my elder. Charles was poison, and destroyed my self esteem as well as my contact with family. I was utterly broken, and truly believed that no one would every want me, and no one would ever love me. Donnie changed that. It was love at first sight. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday.
It seems though that all of those memories are from someone else's life, because I cannot for the life of me, reconcile how I feel now, with how I felt then. I know those feelings. I know them, I remember them, but they are not here with me in this moment. When I saw him, for the first time it was like the heavens were shining down a beam of light to show me that he was the man I was supposed to be with. And I was happy with him. I didn't care about the wheelchair. I never thought about it. It was something people used to say, "Oh that says a lot about you". I don't think it said anything about me. It said something about him. He didn't let it rule his world. Or at least he pretended it didn't.
Donnie and I were both broken people back then. I was broken emotionally and mentally and he was broken physically. We both worked at reassembling our pieces, but neither of us was ever really as pristine as we were before our traumas. But for us, that was okay. Because we were imperfect together and we accepted each other wholeheartedly and without judgement. Donnie and I had something innocent and beautiful.
I remember being asked several times if this is the life I wanted. And I bold faced told anyone who asked that of me, the same thing... YES, I love him, and that is all that matters. And it was true, and I believed it with my entire being. But that doesn't last forever. At 19, you have no idea... no concept of "forever". And I was clearly and proudly showing that to the world. Through the years, he showed me just how much his disability DID rule him, his thoughts, and his actions. I broke through the bullshit, only to find what I was not expecting. A very damaged human being who needed to find himself... And with me, he wouldn't because I would continue to enable his self limiting behavior. I care too much about his feelings to hurt him. I care too much to allow him to just exist and not live. He deserves someone who simply accepts him, but pushes him to grander heights. I am not that person.
All of these things have become unbearably apparent. Suffice it to say that I am too much a motherly fixer-type personality and he is too complacent to change unless forced to do so.
So with that being said... we move forward, amicably as two people who simply should not be together anymore. I was there when we both needed each other so deeply. And now we aren't so broken. So it is time for the true love of his life to show up. I bow out gracefully and say Goodbye.
Throughout this series, I am hoping it will help at least one other person out there.
Currently, this is what I know:
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When we started our relationship back in January 2000, I was with a man who beat me on a daily basis. Charles Spencer May Jr. I will never forget that name nor that face. It's etched into my brain as "NEVER AGAIN". I was impregnated by him, aborted the pregnancy, and took a beating every day thereafter in retaliation. I was 16 when I started dating Charles, and he had lied about his age. I found out that he was 11 years my elder. Charles was poison, and destroyed my self esteem as well as my contact with family. I was utterly broken, and truly believed that no one would every want me, and no one would ever love me. Donnie changed that. It was love at first sight. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday.
It seems though that all of those memories are from someone else's life, because I cannot for the life of me, reconcile how I feel now, with how I felt then. I know those feelings. I know them, I remember them, but they are not here with me in this moment. When I saw him, for the first time it was like the heavens were shining down a beam of light to show me that he was the man I was supposed to be with. And I was happy with him. I didn't care about the wheelchair. I never thought about it. It was something people used to say, "Oh that says a lot about you". I don't think it said anything about me. It said something about him. He didn't let it rule his world. Or at least he pretended it didn't.
Donnie and I were both broken people back then. I was broken emotionally and mentally and he was broken physically. We both worked at reassembling our pieces, but neither of us was ever really as pristine as we were before our traumas. But for us, that was okay. Because we were imperfect together and we accepted each other wholeheartedly and without judgement. Donnie and I had something innocent and beautiful.
I remember being asked several times if this is the life I wanted. And I bold faced told anyone who asked that of me, the same thing... YES, I love him, and that is all that matters. And it was true, and I believed it with my entire being. But that doesn't last forever. At 19, you have no idea... no concept of "forever". And I was clearly and proudly showing that to the world. Through the years, he showed me just how much his disability DID rule him, his thoughts, and his actions. I broke through the bullshit, only to find what I was not expecting. A very damaged human being who needed to find himself... And with me, he wouldn't because I would continue to enable his self limiting behavior. I care too much about his feelings to hurt him. I care too much to allow him to just exist and not live. He deserves someone who simply accepts him, but pushes him to grander heights. I am not that person.
All of these things have become unbearably apparent. Suffice it to say that I am too much a motherly fixer-type personality and he is too complacent to change unless forced to do so.
So with that being said... we move forward, amicably as two people who simply should not be together anymore. I was there when we both needed each other so deeply. And now we aren't so broken. So it is time for the true love of his life to show up. I bow out gracefully and say Goodbye.
Throughout this series, I am hoping it will help at least one other person out there.
Currently, this is what I know:
- This will be the first time I will be living on my own
- Our kids are going to be devastated
- I have to be on assistance for now
- I am not a bad person for wanting the things that other people take for granted every day
- I want to be my own person, self sufficient and show my daughters that they can be independent
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