When we started our relationship back in January 2000, I was with a man who beat me on a daily basis. Charles Spencer May Jr. I will never forget that name nor that face. It's etched into my brain as "NEVER AGAIN". I was impregnated by him, aborted the pregnancy, and took a beating every day thereafter in retaliation. I was 16 when I started dating Charles, and he had lied about his age. I found out that he was 11 years my elder. Charles was poison, and destroyed my self esteem as well as my contact with family. I was utterly broken, and truly believed that no one would every want me, and no one would ever love me. Donnie changed that. It was love at first sight. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday.
It seems though that all of those memories are from someone else's life, because I cannot for the life of me, reconcile how I feel now, with how I felt then. I know those feelings. I know them, I remember them, but they are not here with me in this moment. When I saw him, for the first time it was like the heavens were shining down a beam of light to show me that he was the man I was supposed to be with. And I was happy with him. I didn't care about the wheelchair. I never thought about it. It was something people used to say, "Oh that says a lot about you". I don't think it said anything about me. It said something about him. He didn't let it rule his world. Or at least he pretended it didn't.
Donnie and I were both broken people back then. I was broken emotionally and mentally and he was broken physically. We both worked at reassembling our pieces, but neither of us was ever really as pristine as we were before our traumas. But for us, that was okay. Because we were imperfect together and we accepted each other wholeheartedly and without judgement. Donnie and I had something innocent and beautiful.
I remember being asked several times if this is the life I wanted. And I bold faced told anyone who asked that of me, the same thing... YES, I love him, and that is all that matters. And it was true, and I believed it with my entire being. But that doesn't last forever. At 19, you have no idea... no concept of "forever". And I was clearly and proudly showing that to the world. Through the years, he showed me just how much his disability DID rule him, his thoughts, and his actions. I broke through the bullshit, only to find what I was not expecting. A very damaged human being who needed to find himself... And with me, he wouldn't because I would continue to enable his self limiting behavior. I care too much about his feelings to hurt him. I care too much to allow him to just exist and not live. He deserves someone who simply accepts him, but pushes him to grander heights. I am not that person.
All of these things have become unbearably apparent. Suffice it to say that I am too much a motherly fixer-type personality and he is too complacent to change unless forced to do so.
So with that being said... we move forward, amicably as two people who simply should not be together anymore. I was there when we both needed each other so deeply. And now we aren't so broken. So it is time for the true love of his life to show up. I bow out gracefully and say Goodbye.
Throughout this series, I am hoping it will help at least one other person out there.
Currently, this is what I know:
- This will be the first time I will be living on my own
- Our kids are going to be devastated
- I have to be on assistance for now
- I am not a bad person for wanting the things that other people take for granted every day
- I want to be my own person, self sufficient and show my daughters that they can be independent
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